Monday, February 21, 2011
Friday, February 18, 2011
Thursday, February 17, 2011
SHE CLAIMS I'M NOT A NORMAL PARENT
Natalie for the past few days, I notice you seem to be real angry with me, if it's in regards to mallorie, I am not going to allow any child, regardless of age to be disrespectful towards me and if me and mallorie have heated arguements bothers you, then I'm sorry, you are so affected by that, for mallorie birthday, I have brought her black skates, I am having her wheels and shoestrings change on wednesday, I gave her $20 in cash, put $50 on her gold ring, paying another $60 to have another gold earring made with the name MalMal and on Thursday having her skates airbrush how ever she wants it and having cake, icecream and pizza on Wednesday for her birthday which is well over a $150 promise to her by me for her Birthday. As far as you and I Natalie and the mother daughter relationship, I have apologize to you on numerous occassion for how I treated you as a child, it was wrong and you definitely did not deserve all the whooping and the verbal abuse you suffer from me as a child, I truly apologize and I do love you. What was unfortunate about you having me as a mother is, you had a parent who had been child abuse majority of her childhood and teenager years, then you also had a parent who suffer from mental problems and still does to this day, did my mother ever apologize for abusing me, hell no, but because of the abuse I suffer, I now suffer from manic depression and anxiety and being uneducated about my illness because I never knew how to control it or seek the proper help made my life a living hell as well as yours,because I didn't understand why I felt the way I did, and often times, I was very anger and wanted to hurt another person just so they could experience the pain and the hurt I was going through or I felt extremely sad, helpless and felt no one loved me, especially after my dad died. I would feel extremely sad, hopeless, unloved and felt there was no reason for me to exist on this earth any longer, and all I wanted to do was take a large amount of pills and just die, so I couldn't remember another day of all the abuse I suffer from my mother as a child or I would think about ending my life quickly by jumping off the roof to the pavement into my death or quickly slit my wrist and die a quick death, but what stopped me was one, I don't like to feel pain and 2, I always thought what would happen to my sister Rhonda, if I committed suicide and third, I did not want my soul to be trap here on earth or experience hell because it was not my time to die. It took me almost 40years to forgive my mother, but while I was in a unforgiving state of mind, I was not free, mentally, physically or emotionally. I could not have a decent relationship with a man, definitely not my mother and I could not allow myself to love you as my daughter or your sisters for that matters and having a longterm friendship with any female was out of the question. I was hurting inside my heart and soul for so long, it was mentally torturing me for years and all I wanted to do was die. I could never tell no one I love them and I had a hardtime with any man I had a relationship with, breaking up with me or rejecting me.
I was a mess up individual, inside and out, but if you met me, you would never know until I got stressed out on a job, bills or reject by someone, then and only then would I cry uncontrollably, lash out at you and be very mean or just stayed inside the house and in the bedroom for days having people wondering if I was dead or Alive, because at that time I wouldn't talk to no one not even my friends and family for days and I definitely didn't answer my phone.
If you want to blame someone for feeling messed up, unloved, hurt, sad and hopeless, then you can blame me, I'll take that and I can take the responsibility for hurting you, because you did nothing wrong and you definitely did not deserve to be treated or abused for my unhappiness, but I will tell you this, I love you Natalie and please get some help because I don't want you to be like me at all, I don't want you to feel like you are going crazy and I don't want you to blame me, everytime you feel sad, unloved by someone or fail at something because we all get rejected by someone we care about or love, we all fail at something in life, we all get tired of something or someone in this crazy world and we all experience hopelessness at some point in our lives. Why? because we are human which makes all of us, far from perfect.
Please get some help, so you can heal mentally and physically and so you can learn to forgive me and be forgiven by God for feeling the way you feel towards me,which is hate and resentment, so you can be release from all the pain I cause you as a child and be able to take a breath and breathe fresh air without your heart feeling anymore pain towards your mother and so you can live your life and feel free from all your worries and pain.
I asked god to forgive me for all the pain and abuse I cause you and I believe in my heart God has release me, but I writing you and all the world to see, asking for your forgiveness for the pain I cause you and I hope oneday, you will find it in your heart to forgive me and be release to live your life, mentally, physically and emotionally free from heartache and pain.
Like I just told you recently, you are mommy's good child and I love you Natalie, please print this letter out as a reminder that I admitted to abusing you physically and emotionally and you definitely didn't deserve the verbal or physical abuse, because you never asked to be born into this world, I made that decision.
Please live your life,get help and release the pain and thank God for everyday he allows you to live and thank God, even though I was an abusive parent in your eyes, praise God, I was not an alcoholic or drugs addict to add to the madness too.
I hope oneday, you can forgive me daughter!
Love you always
MOM
I was a mess up individual, inside and out, but if you met me, you would never know until I got stressed out on a job, bills or reject by someone, then and only then would I cry uncontrollably, lash out at you and be very mean or just stayed inside the house and in the bedroom for days having people wondering if I was dead or Alive, because at that time I wouldn't talk to no one not even my friends and family for days and I definitely didn't answer my phone.
If you want to blame someone for feeling messed up, unloved, hurt, sad and hopeless, then you can blame me, I'll take that and I can take the responsibility for hurting you, because you did nothing wrong and you definitely did not deserve to be treated or abused for my unhappiness, but I will tell you this, I love you Natalie and please get some help because I don't want you to be like me at all, I don't want you to feel like you are going crazy and I don't want you to blame me, everytime you feel sad, unloved by someone or fail at something because we all get rejected by someone we care about or love, we all fail at something in life, we all get tired of something or someone in this crazy world and we all experience hopelessness at some point in our lives. Why? because we are human which makes all of us, far from perfect.
Please get some help, so you can heal mentally and physically and so you can learn to forgive me and be forgiven by God for feeling the way you feel towards me,which is hate and resentment, so you can be release from all the pain I cause you as a child and be able to take a breath and breathe fresh air without your heart feeling anymore pain towards your mother and so you can live your life and feel free from all your worries and pain.
I asked god to forgive me for all the pain and abuse I cause you and I believe in my heart God has release me, but I writing you and all the world to see, asking for your forgiveness for the pain I cause you and I hope oneday, you will find it in your heart to forgive me and be release to live your life, mentally, physically and emotionally free from heartache and pain.
Like I just told you recently, you are mommy's good child and I love you Natalie, please print this letter out as a reminder that I admitted to abusing you physically and emotionally and you definitely didn't deserve the verbal or physical abuse, because you never asked to be born into this world, I made that decision.
Please live your life,get help and release the pain and thank God for everyday he allows you to live and thank God, even though I was an abusive parent in your eyes, praise God, I was not an alcoholic or drugs addict to add to the madness too.
I hope oneday, you can forgive me daughter!
Love you always
MOM
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